First 10 Pages – Wooded Darkness by Freddie Lee Cross
I really like horror movies and slasher movies. A lot of people, and I mean a LOT. Of people. Don’t. An even LARGER amount of people don’t want to see a girl get her throat slit and her corpse raped on page one of a screenplay. That being said… Page One, don’t use VO. Use OS. VO is if Morgan Freeman was narrating: MORGAN FREEMAN (VO)Now, this here’s the story of ole Eddie Tateon. A handsome young man with a penchant, for murdah. OS is for OFF SCREEN. ...
Read MoreFirst 10 Pages – Pilot – The Sanctum by J. Snader
revealing not reveling FIGURE1 FIGURE ONE They are dressed in black from head to toe with ski MASKS… FIGURE2 shivs the LOCK to the back patio door and he and FIGURE1 enter. They’re dressed in black with ski masks. Figure Two shivs the lock and they enter. No need to CAPS random things like ski MASKS and LOCKS. Only CAPS things that are VITAL THAT WE UNDERSTAND OR SEE OR HEAR. We see the father laying…. Deprecated style (“we see”)… and passive tense...
Read MoreFirst 10 Pages – Ruby Bay by T. Campbell
These first ten pages move along at a perfect pace, with well-rendered characters and places that make turning the page easy and fast, and unnoticeable. Liam is our protagonist, and we already give a damn, and can relate to him (especially the more bookish among us). The pages paint the possibility of a tall tale about to be told, by placing it in Ireland (I’m assuming), giving us an old mysterious tower, and a missing ruby. But it’s not insulting our intelligence. Any company...
Read MoreFirst 10 Pages – God’s Gift by Mark Jason Kemp
The epigram is too cluttered on page 1. FADE IN: TITLE: (WHITE ON BLACK) “Those to whom evil is done, do evil in return”W.H. Auden FADE TO BLACK. FADE IN: TITLE: (WHITE ON BLACK) “BASED ON A TRUE STORY”. DISSOLVE TO: Just put this: BLACK: “Those to whom evil is done, do evil in return.”W.H. Auden FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRY LANE – NIGHT No need for Based On A True Story, etc. etc. Up above, a redundant felt-tree dances feverishly beneath the mirror, perhaps...
Read MoreFirst 10 Pages – Imminent Threat by J.W. Bryan
Toddler dead on page one is gonna filter out a lot of readers before they have a chance to get to page 2. I believe it’s okay to write a script with a dead toddler on page one, but there’s lot of touchy touchy folks who don’t. Also, clarify that sentence. Is it a small doll, or a dead toddler? Be unambiguous, especially on page one. You’re setting the tone for every page to come. The wrong impression can miscolor the reader’s impression of your script and...
Read MoreFirst 10 Pages – Justice Jones by D. Santo
Ditch the FADE IN: if you’re starting on blackness. Feels redundant. Good visual: ON A TV SCREEN so close it has no boundaries. Ain’t no thing but a chicken wing seems a bit incongruent, after just reading that the president has been shot. Don’t let a reader feel anything incongruent, ever. Especially on page one. By page 4, I get the tone. Dark and comedic. Might wanna bump that tone up so we understand what you’re going for faster. “How does this affect...
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