Today’s free script feedback is forThe ILL, submitted by V. B. B. Harris
Read the pages here.
“Ruthless” is spelled incorrectly on the title page. Not a huge thing, but not a good hint to the script reader deciding which script to take home for the weekend.
Don’t bold the script.
Unclear whether or not your long blocks of text on the opening black screen are narration or readable text for the audience. Either way, it’s too much.
The introductions of the various crime families take up the entire 10 pages of this script.
They’re all interesting, and some of them funnier and more interesting than others, but as a reader I don’t want to read 10 pages of that, and I don’t want to sit in the theater for ten minutes watching all that until you at least give me a hint at why I should care, or where we’re going with all this.
I’m super willing to tolerate long fun sequences like this, but right now it’s not working. And if I’m super tolerant and think it’s not working, you’re gonna have a heck of a time getting it past someone who goes “Huh?”
Keep your chaos and your craziness. That’s what makes the story interesting and the writer’s voice shine. But speak the language of the script reader, or producer’s assistant. Try to make it make sense to them.