Free Script Feedback: Fresh comedy writing, but with a few speedbumps

B. O'MalleyFree Script Feedback2 Comments

Free Script Feedback on your First 10 Pages logo

Free Script Feedback logoEric Boyle by T. Ellmers

Read the pages here.

I’m into this screenplay straight away. I get in with only a few minor speedbumps, and then I’m latching on to the tone, which seems to be a unique blend of Sixteen Candles and Kickass.

The first speedbump: the transvestites making out. I love the whimsy, but it’s way too soon. I need a ramp to get there, to understand what kind of crazy world I’m in where that sort of non-sequitur is okay so soon.

The second speedbump:  guy waking up from a dream, starting out the movie.  Oh noes!  My brief script notes must reach up out of the page and slap you silly for that one.

Super fixable though.

The photo with the guy standing on the pile of babies?  Hilarious.  But make it stand out in the text.  Add some (!!) after it and things like it until the reader can get a few pages in and get your vibe/tone.  Come to think of it, one of those (!!) after the transvestites would go a long way to helping us ramp into said tone.

“Who wouldn’t want to kill Eastern badguys…” etc?  Not strong enough of a joke or core motivation of Eric, even in the world you’ve created.  Make it count. Make it earnest. Let’s connect with him, just for this one moment somehow. Make it a laugh, yes, but this line feels lazy.

That being said…

…The guy urinating on his books.

…Liam Neeson.

…Hopscotching some bamboozled melons…

My brief, 1/2 page script coverage?  We’re in the hands of a writer who knows how to write comedy.  I’m in.  This is fresh, honest, off-the-wall in a good way, and seems sellable.  I’d read past page 10.


2 Comments on “Free Script Feedback: Fresh comedy writing, but with a few speedbumps”

  1. Hi Brian,

    Thank you so much for the feedback! Some great points, all of which I wholeheartedly agree with. I feared that the transvestites might be too-much-too-soon. Would you have the same issue with them, if I put them in towards the end of the (soon-to-be-changed) dream sequence?

    I look forward to getting full coverage from you guys on the script once I’ve finished the next redraft!



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