Today we’re doing some quick script feedback for two scripts sent in by their writers for this article: What Gus Can’t Do and The Eccentrics
By the top of page 2, I’m feeling already this is a tough read.
“Frightens the f*ck out of him” in the description text might frighten agents reading this. You might want to leave the spicy language to the characters.
CONT’D’s are clutter. You may consider losing them. I nix them on my scripts, always.
Nix character names in bold unless they’re introductions.
“Convenient story” – supposed to be “convenience store” ??
The script has texture and realism. Now it just needs better presentation There’s a good conflict being set up. I’m aboard. Honestly, I like the story so far. Now I want to trust the writer more though. The pages can’t be such a chore do digest. Fix the typos which means less typos, more professional presentation. Don’t give them an excuse to put it down.
Pare down the leaves/trees description a bit – and other descriptions like it throughout the script:
The Eccentrics
p. 5 “He learns that XICHANG SPACE CENTRE is preparing to send up a missile to destroy…” How does he learn this?
SINCLAIR,S CAR should be SINCLAIR’S CAR
What works: the conflict and suspense. What doesn’t: It’s not clear what’s going on. There’s too many moments where we’re told something it happening instead of seeing it.
The presentation of the script is sub-par right now and needs to be 100% professional if it’s to be taken seriously. This may be a rough draft, so no worries in this stage if you’re still banging it out.
By the end of the pages, it’s clear that Sinclair is a villain. Before that, it’s not perfectly clear. I’m inclined to want to see a protagonist emerge in those 10 pages, rather than spending so much time with a villain. But if you can pull it off, by all means, go for it.