Free Script Feedback: When CUT TO isn’t needed in action text

B. O'MalleyLast updated: Free Script Feedback

Free Script Feedback logoWhat Gus Can’t Do

Don’t bold GUS.

Unclear what “led dents the floor” means.

Top of page 2, I’m feeling this is a tough read.

“Frightens the f*ck out of him” in the description text might frighten the f*ck out of agents reading this. Leave the spicy language to the characters.

CONT’D’s are clutter. You may consider losing them. I nix them on my scripts, always.

Nix character names in bold.

“Convenient story” – supposed to be “convenience store” ??

The script has texture and realism. Now it just needs presentability. There’s a good conflict being set up. I’m aboard. Honestly, I like the story so far. Now I want to trust the writer more though.  The pages can’t be such a chore do digest. Fix the typos which means less typos, more professional presentation. Don’t give them an excuse to put it down.

Pare down the leaves/trees description a bit – and other descriptions like it throughout the script:

EXT. PLAYGROUND – DAY

A large family of trees in view. Sounds of wind flowing through. Leaves clap.

Accompanying sounds: children, their laughter, their jovial language. A beautiful, serene moment.

(beat)

EXT. PLAYGROUND – DAY

Trees, gentle wind. Children laughing.  A serene moment.

 

The Eccentrics

All the CUT TO:’s are not necessary.  New slug lines imply a hard cut.

The action is brisk and suspense is set up well.  Watch out for typos:  THEN; not “than”

p. 5 “He learns that XICHANG SPACE CENTRE is preparing to send up a missile to destroy…”  How does he learn this?

SINCLAIR,S CAR should be SINCLAIR’S CAR

What works: the conflict and suspense.  What doesn’t:  It’s not clear what’s going on.  There’s too many moments where we’re told something it happening instead of seeing it.

The presentation of the script is sub-par right now and needs to be 100% professional if it’s to be taken seriously. This may be a rough draft, so no worries in this stage if you’re still banging it out.

By the end of the pages, it’s clear that Sinclair is a villain.  Before that, it’s not perfectly clear.  I’m inclined to want to see a protagonist emerge in those 10 pages, rather than spending so much time with a villain.  But if you can pull it off, by all means, go for it.

F10P-What-Gus-Cant-Do

The-Eccentrics-the-beginning

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *