Dead Space by K. Martin
Read the pages here.
This concept is so entirely awesome and ripe with comedic potential, I can’t, for the life of me, understand why you didn’t set this up as a comedy. And I mean that sincerely and completely non-sarcastically, and with absolute respect for you as a screenwriter and artist.
First major speedbump:
Not knowing if I was in a comedy or a thriller.
Second major speedbump:
The juxtaposition of the murder and the foot chase made me think for a minute that Wallace was chasing the murderer from the first scene. You may want to clarify this so you keep even the most lazy script reader on the hook and knowing what’s going on.
The murder, the foot chase, the going-over-dossiers scene, and the family scene – they all fit a perfect formula, one which we’ve seen way too many times, which is why, with all due respect, I kept waiting for a gag or any other clue to “let me in on the joke.”
If you must use this formula, use it as a blueprint, and then do the exact opposite of what the formula calls for. Invert. Subvert. SURPRISE. With every scene.
(Confucius said, in 590BC: “No scene is filler. Every scene’s a killer.” Or something like that.)
So for example… Give us something brand new. (The setting is new, yes, but the killing should be brand new as well.) Instead of a strangulation with a cord, do something you can ONLY DO in space.
e.g. Instead of Wallace chasing the bad guy on foot, have 3 bad guys chasing Wallace, and yet he still manages to bring them all in.
e.g. Instead of going over dossiers and choosing Wallace, have them HAVE to choose Wallace for some reason. They don’t want to.
e.g. Instead of Jenny being a good student, she’s slipping into depression after mom died. She’s playing too many video games, eating junk food, playing videogames. Opportunity for more conflict for Wallace.
Formatting issues: The text of the paragraphs is a bit dense. Pare down on the amount of words. In addition, the paragraph LINE SPACING seems to be crunched a little. Make sure it’s right around 1.5 line spacing.
Try to replace things like “is orbiting” with “orbits” – Less words, faster read, better connection with reader.
Reference to “Rico” but then later “Ricco” (Or vice versa)