Free Script Feedback: Make your jokes funnier. Always.

B. O'MalleyFree Script Feedback0 Comments

Free Script Feedback on your First 10 Pages logo

Free Script Feedback logoHigh Rollers by S. Birkan

Read the pages here

These pages do very little to pull a reader into your story. One major problem is the format.

no need for “ACT ONE”

don’t underline sluglines

ditch CONT’Ds

no colons after character names

RE: the mom/son telephone exchange: Use elipses.  (“…”) where his mom is speaking to him, rather than breaking up the entire conversation into the blocks of dialogue you have there.

“The Four Spades Hotel & Casino is not the Belagio, but it is also not Fawlty Towers. It’s a diamond slowly being unearthed from the rough.”

What does that mean?  I couldn’t picture this place.  Is it a run-down dive, or just a boring, average hotel in Vegas?  I can picture a run down dive, but I’m having difficulty picturing a boring, average hotel in Vegas, and having even more trouble imagining why a boring, average hotel in Vegas would be screenworthy.  And why would two Brit investors be interested?  It’s entirely possible, but I couldn’t connect the dots.  Help me connect the dots.  That is, help the anonymous script readers who will hopefully be reading your script, connect the dots.

“Dawn Roberts, 60’s, she’s been living the casino lifestyle her whole life.”

Avoid descriptions that tell us details like that. If we can’t see it or hear it, omit it.

“Dawn Roberts (64) – cigarette dangling, ten pounds of makeup”

“CHYRON” – use “TITLE” instead

I can see the general well of comedy you’re going for, but there is very little comedy going on.

Your mission:

1) Get this sucker into proper format

2) Tweak all character descriptions to things we can SEE or HEAR *ONLY*.

3) Show the reader EXACTLY what this place is and WHY the Brits are investing.

4) Make the jokes on these first ten pages FUNNY.

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