Free Script Feedback: Ratchet up the conflict

B. O'MalleyFree Script Feedback0 Comments

Free Script Feedback on your First 10 Pages logo

Free Script Feedback logoToday we’re looking at the first ten pages of a script titled The Cure, sent in to Script Notes-To-Go by screenwriter Eoin O’Sullivan (read the pages I’m commenting on pages here)

These first ten pages flow, and flow well.

RIFE is quickly and visually articulated, and set up almost immediately as our troubled, genius protagonist.  From the razzing of the schoolmates about his chauffer job, to his bucking of conventional thinking.

Not to mention, the conventional thinking is rendered deftly as well, in the form of Professor Saul’s faith in the limits of contemporary science, Timkens’ and Jones’  amazement at Rife’s diagrams, and culminating with Rife’s dialog with the panel of men on page 10.

The conflict is clear:  unconventional upstart scientist vs. the conventional thinking of his time.

Now the trick will be to do something with that to freshen that conflict up, or to ratchet up the stakes in the pages to come, if they’re not already high.

These 10 pages brought me aboard with zero complaint, and with optimal fluidity.  I’m aboard.

“…sandwiched in glass negates the luxury of choice.”   If his character is like this throughout the script, and you maintain this degree of colorful, expressive dialogue throughout, you’ve got a winner.

Two minor beefs.  Soy beefs, actually, because they’re not real beefs:

Do bells ring at John Hopkins to mark the end of class?  Seems rather a high school concept, but I’m a State College man.

At least two words that have their final S capitalized needlessly.  (alightS and openS)

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