Free Script Feedback: A suspense-thriller needs both of those things

B. O'MalleyFree Script Feedback1 Comment

Free Script Feedback on your First 10 Pages logo

Free Script Feedback logoDiva Exe by B. Szabo

Read the pages here: Diva

I named the blog post and the attachment like I did because any file with an “.EXE” in it can give the impression that your script file is an executable file, so just a heads up: some might be reticent to double click it if you keep that title.

But on to your first ten pages.

1) The script’s format is, at first glance, just a tad short of professional.  It’s gonna get some static from readers, or ignored by producers because of this.  You’ll want to get those margins down to 1″ and those dialogue blocks a bit shorter.

Get your script out of MS Word and into Final Draft or CeltX or any of the widely available free script formatting apps out there.

2) The script’s verbiage is too much, and it smacks of amateur. (No offense!)


There is a television on the wall.  It’s playing a commercial.  

TV playing a commercial:

Cut down on the extra words!

STUDENTS stand in line for lunch.

Many of them have their faces stuck in smart phones.

Students stand in the lunch line, buried in their phones.

3) Virtual reality, even in 2050, is too 1994.

I saw your lead getting killed from a mile away.  Not only that, you took too long explaining what this “new” version of virtual reality was all about.

Just jump in there.  If we know it’s 2050, we can go with the concept of VR being super advanced without you having to explain it to us.

And if you’re gonna make a VR suspense/thriller/horror out of this, let’s get some suspense, thrills, or horror within these first ten pages.  That would go nicely right where all your VR exposition sits now.

One Comment on “Free Script Feedback: A suspense-thriller needs both of those things”

  1. Must have messed up the submission and forgotten my name. Thank you for taking the time on me, I hope more review sites offer services like this.

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