The script sets up a good atmosphere, but I couldn’t really tell what exactly was happening.

Mostly because the action was difficult to picture.  When the story begins, we’re looking through a night vision video camera, which Ashley then drops.  It’s not clear if the following moments are all supposed to be from the same perspective.  

She then pauses in front of a mirror and adjusts her clothes, but is still holding the camera, which might be awkward.  More important is that here’s she said to have “Hair and makeup that would make a showgirl jealous.”   Not clear if this is possible to me at this point.

Following her searching the house – still not clear if camera is on night vision.  Details of what’s described are hard to discern.

 Later Tim turns on the lights to the room – we should be told if we’re in “normal vision.”  Otherwise the lights would blast out the night vision filter.

A lot of action would be impossible to follow from the POV of the camera.  When she raises the camcorder as a weapon, our POV will just be the camera going to a different angle.  Although she turns on other cameras, the script doesn’t indicate if we’re supposed to be jumping between all these angles or not.

Format is off. The action reads like a novel and it needs to read as a script.

FK3

F10P fk3 Angry Slut on a Chain – 10 pages – David Santo_2012-01-11

Hey kids!  Brian here.  I recently ran into screenwriter Steven Darancette at a local awesome coffee shop.  Steve and I had worked together on several features in the past, but hadn’t hung out for a while.

In the interim, Steve had written for a ton of produced shows, including some for Warner Bros.  (Ozzy & Drix, Biker Mice From Mars, Zorro-Generation Z, and others) So when he told me he had opened his new site Darancette Development, a script consulting service focusing on TV animation, I was super curious.  I wanted to know how different it is as a script consultant/script analyst providing script notes and script coverage while focusing primarily on animation writers.

So I asked him a few quick questions about the state of the art for the up-and-coming-animation writer:

So Steve, if I’m a writer and I want to break into animation writing, but have no idea how to do it, what should I do?

SD: First thing you have to be sure about is that if this is a medium you really want to write for because just like with anything that requires expertise, you’ll have to have focus and passion. Learn the format, read script examples. And watch animation, watch cartoons. Hey, you can always tell your friends and family that watching SpongeBob is serious work research. Once you think you’ve got a handle on this writing thing, then start looking for work. Sadly, I feel that that last part is the hardest part.

Do you see room in the market for independent, non-studio animated features?

SD: Feature animated films are very expensive and require years of development. That’s why the studios currently dominate this format. If you check there are only like four studios making big animated features shown in theatres (Pixar/Disney, Dreamworks, FOX, Sony Pictures Animation, Universal). That said, there are some independent animated features being made but they are financed usually by overseas entities that find their own production houses overseas to make them, then they have to find distributors. As technology improves and become more affordable every year, you’ll start seeing more and more indie stuff.

When you work with a screenwriter to develop an animated series or even non-animated series, what are the most frustrating errors you see them make?

SD: I am frustrated when I see that they never bothered to do their homework in terms of the different formatting that animated scripts have from features and other kinds of TV scripts. Feature animation scripts aren’t really too different from live-action features. But in TV animation, daytime kids stuff and boys action, especially, there is a difference in the way the action is presented. It’s more detailed and often includes cues for sound effects. So if you think you want to write a BATMAN cartoon spec, be sure to read one thoroughly and learn the format. Format shouldn’t be the first thing I find wrong with your script when you submit it.

How picky are you when selecting clients help with your script consulting services?

SD: I don’t normally turn anyone down if they are seeking my expertise specifically. I haven’t yet had a situation where I just had to say, “Look, this project is terrible, you’re a terrible writer. Please seek help elsewhere.” But it’s a joy and a breeze to work with someone who knows what he or she wants, but who is also willing to listen and take my advice to heart. If I take the time to really create insightful and constructive criticism for your project as well as provide solutions to what’s not working, that’s a good thing. That means I care enough about your project that I’m not bored. Be worried if I have nothing to say or any real advice to contribute.

What screenwriting blogs do you follow?  Which should *WE* be following?

SD: I don’t read a lot of blogs about writing. Of the few I do, I like John August’s site. I also like tvwriterchat on twitter and Script Mag. If you want a good focus on animation, visit the sites animationmagazine.net or Animation World Network. Cynopsis is a daily industry newsletter. Cynopsis Kids usually has reports on what children’s or animated series are starting production. This is a good way to track trends and possible job leads.

“RIM-PDX” falls into the trap that faces many science-fiction scripts: it introduces too many concepts that are never fully clarified. Instead of hooking the audience right off the bat (despite a great opening scene), it soon becomes very confusing.

The beginning is indeed very visually engaging, showing a dying Irina lifted to the heaves as she is observed by Frank Gobi. Nevertheless, the subsequent newscast and conversation between Gobi and Hans are often hard to decipher.

Though the audience will get the idea that some kind of soul theft has taken place, the subject of Trode Heads needs clarification. It would be easier to understand what a Trode head is if the idea of the Omni-Net, to which the Trode Head is connected by electrodes, was explained.

Ulbricht tells Frank: “Urban dematerialization, my boy, that is the defining phenomenon of our times. Channel Emmanuel is a regrettable situation, neural technology gone awry. But an entire city that disappears for a twelve hour period each day of the week?”

The audience doesn’t know what Channel Emmanuel is, or what drastic shift in human evolution Hans is talking, and as a result, they may be jolted out of the story.

Similarly, other concepts, like a televised VR baptism or the New Tokyo flu lack explanation. When on p.4 Frank asks Ulbricht to clarify what he is talking about, anticipating the audience’s confusion, in “fortune cookie language,” Ulbricht’s response is also confusing.

It is unclear why or how Tokyo disappears from time to time because it’s undergoing a state of flux, or what this means exactly. Obviously Frank and Hans are discussing some strange phenomena that are taking place, but their conversation will not be accessible to the audience.

Also, their discussion is dry, and makes for a very talky opening to the story. The first ten pages are, consequently, confusing overall, and it is hard to determine what the story is about. As its first step, the script should grab the audience with something much simpler and more effective, only gradually explaining its various ideas.

PP

f10P_RIM-PDX by Angella Davis_2011-12-26

“Jingoist” is a sci-fi concept that suffers from a lack of clarity and tends to raise a lot of questions. Because of the opening voice-over, which sometimes doesn’t match what is being shown, the audience is likely to get lost rather than hooked.

It is unclear what the difference is between puppets, mannequins and humanoids. Rather, while it is clear that there is a difference in appearance, it is unclear how they came to be to live beside one another. Their relations are never addressed. For example, if Renaldi is a humanoid, we don’t learn why his daughter, Coleste, is a puppet.

Some of the voice-over lines are confusing, such as this one on p.1: “Both worlds live in a universal reality made up of Earth’s myths and stories of make believe.” It is unclear what is meant by this.

The Gorgonians slay the Alterians when they learn the Alterians are headed for collision with them. However, this is confusing because killing the Alterians won’t stop the collision, which is beyond anybody’s control.

When the Supreme Being is introduced via voice-over, we are introduced to two hooded beings onscreen. The connection between them and the Supreme Being giving the Alterians special abilities needs to be clarified.

On p.2 the voice-over tells us that “The Alterians grant the Gorgonians a full pardon and a truce until … The tiny asteroid must follow a parallax of zero point zero astronomical units. They are on course to impact.” However, this line seems to be missing something.

The script also informs that the higher divine awaits Renaldi, but the audience is not informed why. The same can be said for Coleste being endowed with something, the identity of which is not revealed.

It is unclear why the Gorgon armada decides to strike against Alteria a thousand years after their initial battle and what the relations between these two species were for those thousand years.

Finally, the lieutenant’s line on p.10, “Commander Zerlock, revitalization is not predicated on whose humanoid, puppet or mannequin,” is very confusing.

Above all, the script could benefit from more clarity, and action over dialogue.

PP

f10P_Jingoist 10_2011-12-24_jrussell

The first ten pages of “Blockworld” forecast a really fun, entertaining science-fiction story. Among its strengths are the characters, some of its ideas, and its dialogue.

While “Blockworld” is slightly reminiscent of a more benevolent version of “Strange Days,” it seems to offer enough of its own material to make it stand out.

For example, on p.3, there is almost a spoof of the virtual sex games in both “Demolitian Man” and “Strange Days.” Adam and Jennifer “gyrate” in a sexual virtual reality game, while others watch them, egging them on. It is fun, but at the same time it may come off a little awkward, all things considered.

Overall, the party atmosphere works well by introduction of the story. The cutaway to the concerned neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins, not only adds to the atmosphere. It is also punctuated by a very funny entrance of their children, who tell them they’re sleepy.

The scene with the cops arriving and the eventual arrest of Adam and Chris works well too, though the subject of barcodes will have to be clarified in full later on in the script. It is unclear how the wants determine that Adam and Chris are guilty.

The interrogation of Adam features some great dialogue on p.7:

JOEY: Why don’t you tell me what those things are in front of you.
ADAM: Chairs.
JOEY: No, smart-ass.  These.
(He pushes the games at Adam.)
ADAM: “Ultimate Bloodbath 3.”  “Combat Warriors.”  (a beat) “Virtuana.”
JOEY: They yours?
ADAM: They’re my friend’s. 
JOEY: Oh yeah? Where’d he get ‘em?
Adam shrugs.
JOEY (CONT’D): Pretty fancy stuff.  Your friend must be loaded.
ADAM: (sarcastic) He cuts a lot of grass.  With those new energy-efficient lawnmowers on the market, business has been booming.

This interrogation does however raise an issue. Namely, if people are busted for possession of games, than they should also be busted for using them. However, most of the kids at the party seem to be released.

PP

f10P_BW_first10pgs_2012-01-04

Immediately, right from its subject matter and one of its characters’ names, Casper, “A Brand New Day” begins to channel “Kids.”

The opening scene nicely introduces the characters, especially aforementioned 19-year-old Casper and his 16-year-old girlfriend, Melissa. Casper comes off as a spirited guy and manages to upset Stephanie, who doesn’t trust him.

While the scene is fun, it may be hard for the audience to buy that Stephanie would threaten Casper by picking up the phone and calling her gangster friends, instead of just mouthing back to him and putting him in his place.

The subject of Casper wanting sex with Melissa is a tense and engaging one. She clearly is under his spell. Nevertheless, the revelation of their previous attempt at sex months earlier, and the ensuing abortion comes off a little casually.

Also, when we meet Melissa’s parents, Stacy and Jason, they won’t strike the audience as the kind of people who would pay for an abortion and still allow their daughter to see a guy like Casper.

Their brief argument on p.8 about god’s existence feels awkward, considering it comes right after their daughter gets arrested for theft and possession. It seems they would have more pressing issues to discuss.

Casper owns the coke and, in general, is made to look like a pretty bad guy. His violent shove of Melissa raises even more questions about his character, and about Melissa who stays with him.

It’s a little unrealistic for Casper to drop his cocaine in Melissa’s purse as if he was expecting the police to show up so she would get framed. A stronger reason is needed for this.

Nevertheless, this is not a bad opening, and it nicely sets up Melissa’s story.

PP

f10p_A BRAND NEW DAY – Contest_2012-01-03

I liked the upbeat attitude in these scenes and the fast pace.

However, I think it moved a bit too quickly in parts, and didn’t truly set up the universe.  The initial minutes of a pilot are crucial to keep an audience interested, and I think these pages will have to be reconsidered.

I think the intros could have just a little bit more of a bite, both for characters and situations.  I do think the information behind the signs “VICE PRESIDENT OF FOOD AND BEVERAGE” or “BEVERAGE DIRECTOR” should be spoken out loud.  Perhaps the V.P.’s secretary could be answering a phone when Chris runs up.

When we meet Chris, he’s “panicky.”  I think we should get an idea if he’s generally over-reactive, or if this is truly something extraordinary.  Either way, I think it’s a mistake to have him be the center of attention in the teaser when he seems to quit before the first act.

I did have a hard time believing in the supposed turnaround of the bar supervisors.  Wouldn’t an accountant know how many employees were on the payroll?  From what we see, why would the supervisors quit instead of trying to profit like everyone else?

Other moments could get a little attention.  We’re told that Michelle won’t be in until after 3, which is in 6 hours.  This makes the time 9 am – is the bar really slammed at that time?  They say it’s illegal to serve liquor before 11am; however, this is not true (the state of California allows sales starting at 6 am).

A couple small notes on format.  For example, I think it would read better on page one for “Chris is searching” to be instead “Chris searches.”

By the end of the ten pages the script could really go into any direction.  I’m interested enough to want to see what direction this series might take, but I do feel that these opening pages could be a bit stronger and definite about the premise.

FK3

F10P_111215_0825_fk3_5 Star (pilot) – 10 pages

A friend I’ve known for 30 years stopped in for a few days, visiting from the UK. We’ve always been close, so he knew I ran a company that did something with screenplays, but didn’t know exactly what that meant.  So he asked, and I showed him how Screenplay Readers worked:  

Agents, writers, and producers submit scripts to our reader team, we read them, and then we give our analysis of their scripts in small 4-5 page script coverages.

He was wowed at the whole concept in general, having given up a writing background and pursued a career in the military some 20 years ago, but his biggest question was:  “Have any of the scripts you’ve read been sold and turned into big studio movies?”

And that got me thinking.  We read over 1,000 scripts every year, and have hundreds of regular trusted clients that come back to us for coverage, but I really haven’t paid close attention to what exactly happens to each script after it passes through the Screenplay Readers office.  

I’m sure that one or two of the scripts we’ve covered has had to have made their way to a huge sale, or made it through to production at the studio level, simply guessing from the numbers years we’ve been in business and the thousands of scripts we’ve read.

 But at the very least, I know for a fact that several of the scripts we’ve read at Screenplay Readers have landed their writers representation from agents and managers,  pitch meetings with executives at major studios, and even option deals from producers, from indie level all the way up to retired studio level.

But then that all got me thinking:  

All those great things are NOT the things we sell.  They’re just the random results of what happened to the scripts after they happened to pass through our hands.

The core of what Screenplay Readers sells, as any good script coverage service or script consultant sells, is the professional analysis of a screenwriter’s script, with the sole intent of helping the writer improve his spec, or helping the agent or producer improve their script at the core of the package they’re shopping around Hollywood or developing into a motion picture.

So it often makes me giggle to see companies out there on the interwebs promising their customers “access” to their awesome industry insiders, or promising to get their customers’ scripts on the desks of major studios, as part of a service they offer to customers for reading and/or analyzing their scripts, because I can see how easy it would be as a company to just say I’m handing my customers’ scripts off to some higher-up muckety muck at a studio, without my customers ever being able to prove that I actually did it.

What are they thinking?!  Here’s what they’re thinking:  Hollywood’s a tough nut to crack for writers, and they know it and you know it, and they’ve got a friend or two in high places who may or may not take the time to read your script if, and only if, that person signs off on it and recommends it super-highly.

Also laugh inducing: Companies posting “Such and such came to our site, ordered our service, we got it in front of a muckety-muck, and then his script sold for $500,000!”

Maybe that service was ultimately responsible for selling that script, but maybe it wasn’t.  Maybe it was the merits of the script’s concept, or the writer’s friendly persistence, or personal charm at a coffee meeting with the buyer, which sold that script.  Or maybe it was because the buyer was looking for a vampire vehicle for Phyllis Diller that week.

But heck, I don’t wanna be a curmudgeon and poo-poo ALL my colleagues in the access industry.  

If you’re comfortable with buying access, by all means, go for it.  It may turn out to be a good investment for you, and the much needed “crack in the ice” you’ve been struggling for.  Not all companies or contests that promise to get your script read by muckety-mucks are in business to rip you off.  

The best path for my company, however, is to stay focused on the core of our business:  improving the script.  Access, contests, formatting, proofreading… all of these are viable script services.  

But to put it bluntly, no service will ever get your script sold.  Not a coverage service, not an access service, not a consultant, and not a contest.

Le Bottom Line:  

The biggest thing sitting in the way of getting a script sold for 95% of all screenwriters is:  the script itself.  At Screenplay Readers, 95% of the scripts we read are rated as a PASS.  4% are CONSIDERS.  1% receives a RECOMMEND.

So my advice to my compadres in the screen trade:  

Don’t think of access until your script is part of that 4% or 1%.  And even then, only invest in promises of access if you feel you can afford to lose that investment.  And if you can afford to lose that investment, please email me and send me cash.  I’m saving for a trip to orbit aboard Spaceship 1.

Despite a promising and exciting opening scene, the first ten pages of “Life and Death 2″ are somewhat unfocused and slightly confusing.

For example, it’s unclear what we see a reflection of in Scarlet’s eyes, especially since the close-up of the box takes place during the day, while her death happens at night.

The driver refers to Scarlet as “darling” at one point, but it appears that they only have a formal relation. If there is something more between them, it should be hinted at right from the beginning, otherwise the audience may get confused.

As a side note, the mention of the police officer raising his hand in the space in front of Scarlet is somewhat confusing. If he is simply waving it in between her face and the clipboard she is studying, this should be made explicit.

The scene with Scarlet and Derek established an interesting relationship, but the following description on p.3 is confusing:

“In the left-hand corner, in front of the sofa, a charcoal mist gathers. It quickly materialises into a heart; half the size and doesn’t pump.” (p.3)

In general, it is often difficult to figure out what is going in the first 10 pages of the script. The audience is not immediately drawn in, though the opening scene and the scene in which the police officer shoots the driver are genuinely interesting.

However, the connection between Scarlet and the Prime Minister is thinly made and too little of the story to be told in the rest of the screenplay is clearly introduced. The script needs a strong and a more concise introduction.

PP

F10P_pp_Life and Death 2_ ScottB_10pg_2011-11-23

DAWN’S GLORY opens up with an ominous and supernatural tone setting the pitch. It opens in 1934 at a plantation which is an unique and alluring setting. The prologue sets up a mysterious back story. This immediately captures one’s attention.

There is a creative transition that is effective that takes the story from the past of 1934 to the present time.

The protagonist is identified as Simpson “SIMP” as he seems to be driving the story. There is something mysterious and secretive about Simp that is interesting. He has the potential to be an intriguing and complicated character.

One of the highlights and strengths is the sharp and authentic dialogue.

The pacing in the first ten pages can be enhanced. It is not clear at this point exactly what the story is about. It is believed to be a supernatural story.

Narrative descriptions or directions can be tighter. For example if it is not relevant for the doctor to be putting his certificate on the wall then it is not needed.

The opening can benefit from clarification. On page 1 there is a description that reads “the family is urgently placing them around it” however it is unclear what “them” is and what “it” is in the description.

There is also a grandmother yelling “take that chile inside” and it may be that she is really saying take that “child” inside – but it is not exactly clear.

The ages of all the character can be more defined vs. giving an age range. There are a lot of characters introduced in the first ten pages which tends to slow the pacing down.

There are credibility issues to address. Simp arrives at the retirement home and almost immediately convinces Clements a resident to go downstairs. This character who has not been downstairs in 9 years shows no resistance to going down the elevator with a stranger.  

Then Simp seems to easily call up Clements’ relatives. The idea of a man who has never gone downstairs for years and no one has visited him is very sad and very intriguing but most likely should be a subplot or theme that over the course of the storyline is developed.  The audience watches as perhaps Simp bonds with Clements and coaches him downstairs vs. it occurring so quickly.

The character of Ivy is also setup as a mysterious woman and it appears she might have some special potions or herbs or is involved in black magic.

Currently there is very little tension in the story vs. the mysterious opening. Enhancing the pacing, tension and/or conflict and defining a clearer path to the identified goal for the protagonist will make for a more effective first ten pages and give the audience a stronger clue as to what the story is really going to be about.

TZ

 F10P tz_dawnsglory_cmiller