A lot of people, and I mean a LOT. Of people.  Don’t.

An even LARGER amount of people don’t want to see a girl get her throat slit and her corpse raped on page one of a screenplay.

That being said…

Page One, don’t use VO. Use OS.

VO is if Morgan Freeman was narrating:

MORGAN FREEMAN (VO)
Now, this here’s the story of ole Eddie Tateon. A handsome young man with a penchant, for murdah.

OS is for OFF SCREEN.  That’s what you have here. But even OS might be a bit confusing for us readers diving into your script and trying to orient ourselves.  Strategically speaking, you may want to just write it all as one scene without starting on the panties/basement thing with the OS, just to get past readers.

On the phone with Kim and Marcus, same thing.  OS, not VO.

Make it clear that Kim and Eddie are siblings the first time we meet Kim. (Assuming they’re siblings because of the “brotherly love” comment)

The script has a super limited appeal, and I’m assuming you know that, and are writing for a very specific audience.

As it happens, I’m not an audience member, so I can’t really relate.  And since I can’t relate, I can’t really give you notes within that context.

I can, however, give you notes from a mainstream horror / mainstream film market context:

Corpse humping, incest, cunts, dismemberment… All this will not get past a script reader at a studio, production house, agency, or even a guy listening to pitches at an AFM party.  They’ll circular file it.  (And maybe call the police.)

My two cents: 

Storytellers who truly push the envelope of horror and thrills seldom ever do so just by adding more kills, or by being more shocking than the last slasher film. 

When they succeed is when they horrify us at our most base, most universal levels.  Not writing 2-dimensional characters we’ve got figured out on page 1, who, when we spot, basically let us off the hook so we can say “Oh, this is one of those types of films.  This guy’s a Slasher™, and this movie is about killing people, foul language, corpse-raping, etc. Got it.  Nothing new here. I can stop paying attention.” 

Everybody fears being dismembered.  Don’t let us off the hook by making your slasher simply an upgraded, more vile composite of other slashers.  Give us a take that hasn’t been done before. 

Or if you DO have something that’s not been done before, and I just couldn’t get to that point in these first 10 pages because I had to put this script down, then make it apparent long before page 2, which is when most readers will hurl this script across the room. 

OR tone it down on the first few pages until you can “hook” readers in.  Seducing them into your script, rather than bludgeoning them over the head right off the bat.

Twisted evil bastard who kills, then rapes the bodies?  Got it on page one. Not interested by page two.

Twisted evil bastard who is someone an audience can relate to, and then kills and rapes bodies?  Probably a better idea. 

That being said, films about killing and raping bodies really ain’t my bag, daddy-o.  More power to ya if it’s yours.

Make people care first.

Then you tear apart as many bodies as you like, and rape them until your heart’s content.

Brian

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FIGURE1

FIGURE ONE

They are dressed in black from head to toe with ski MASKS…

FIGURE2 shivs the LOCK to the back patio door and he and FIGURE1 enter.

They’re dressed in black with ski masks.

Figure Two shivs the lock and they enter.

No need to CAPS random things like ski MASKS and LOCKS.  Only CAPS things that are VITAL THAT WE UNDERSTAND OR SEE OR HEAR.

We see the father laying….

Deprecated style (“we see”)… and passive tense (“laying”)

The father lays.

“We see” is amateurish and extraneous. Less words = faster read = happy read = reader finishes your script instead of lighting it on fire.

lays vs. laying: same thing.  Keeps your script active, moving, humming along. 

All this is on PAGE ONE.  Not boding very well for a reader to get past this page so far.

You can see the fear in the man’s eyes, the heart break.

Fear and heartbreak in the man’s eyes.

Don’t address “we” or “you” or anybody. 

Dan’s prayer is misformatted as  action text on page 3.

Your text is jammed together horizontally throughout. Not easy on the eyes. Looks like you’re cheating the pages.

I’m gonna stop right around page 5.

Your script suffers from readability issues mentioned above. It won’t get past any reader in this state, no matter how awesomely your story is about to unfold.

Simplify your slug lines.  Instead of: 

INT. STRUCK HOME – UPSTAIRS HALLWAY – NIGHT

Just do:

INT. STRUCK HOME – HALLWAY – NIGHT

And do that throughout, cutting out even single words. Single words add up.  If we can understand what/where we are well enough from what they say or do, then you don’t need to specify it in the slug lines.

Trim down the action and description lines.

Yes, all this crap I’m saying has nothing to do with the meat of your story. 

But you can either blame me for not wanting to wade through your poor presentation, or you can bite the bullet and make this presentable/readable. 

Never give a reader an excuse to put down your script.  Formatting/presentation is the first thing we look for as an excuse to stop reading.

Brian

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Liam is our protagonist, and we already give a damn, and can relate to him (especially the more bookish among us).

The pages paint the possibility of a tall tale about to be told, by placing it in Ireland (I’m assuming), giving us an old mysterious tower, and a missing ruby.  But it’s not insulting our intelligence.

Any company looking for a live action kids’ adventure with a pinch of magical realism will tear past these first 10 pages eagerly.  That being said, it’s not so specifically oriented on a children’s audience that it loses adults.

The ALL CAPS towards the end of page 10 makes me think you just put all that there as a placeholder, and haven’t finished the entire script.

Well, you’re off to a great start. 

Brian

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FADE IN:

TITLE: (WHITE ON BLACK)

“Those to whom evil is done, do evil in return”
W.H. Auden

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE IN:

TITLE: (WHITE ON BLACK)

“BASED ON A TRUE STORY”.

DISSOLVE TO:

Just put this:

BLACK:

“Those to whom evil is done, do evil in return.”
W.H. Auden

FADE IN:

EXT. COUNTRY LANE – NIGHT

No need for Based On A True Story, etc. etc.

Up above, a redundant felt-tree dances feverishly beneath the mirror, perhaps reminiscing on days when it too was fresh.

If the tree is redundant, lose it.  If it has to be there, then:

A TREE-SHAPED AIR FRESHENER dangles below the mirror.

ROLL TITLE SEQUENCE AND SONG – STONEY “UNTIL YOU LEAVE”.

Pinning down the music in the script is a red flag.  What if they don’t like Stoney?  What if they’ve never heard of Stoney?

Or better still, what if they just want to hear their OWN music in their heads when reading this? 

If you say: “Upbeat, quirky pop plays on the stereo,” then the script reader imagines her own as she pieces together the picture you’re painting.

If you stymie her with a specific band, she may ignore it, or she may stop reading, like I did, and go look up the band Stoney.

This isn’t a major point, but it’s a big enough rock in the road to hurt your chances.

The series of shots paints the scene well.

He then opens the door and lets out the MUSIC, like bats from a cave.

I’m finally in.

Your the second cunt…

You’re the second cunt

12ft banner framed with wind-tossed balloons, it reads;

“** EIGHTEEN MONTHS LATER **”.

[*Note: Similar, subliminal time-line indicators shall be used throughout the film, rather than title-cards, although, short lapses in time will be indicated by a;“FADE TO BLACK”].

You’re knocking me out of the story.  Here I am, in and engaged, and then you smack me in the head with this.

12-foot banner with balloons reads:

“EIGHTEEN MONTHS LATER”

We’ll get it.  Especially when we start to see it’s how you demonstrate time passing in this particular script.

; and :       <---- learn the difference

[*Note: The camera is housed inside].

No camera directions unless absolutely vital to our understanding something super important.

Reaching in he grabs the milk and then walks away leaving the door and the scene, wide open. 

Can he grab the milk without reaching in?

He grabs the milk and walks away, leaving it open.

You’ve got a voice and an interesting story and characters.  Your biggest problem now is really basic shit, like punctuation, spelling, formatting, and knowing when to get the hell out of the way as a writer.

Pare down where you can, fix all the punctuation/spelling/usage errors, and then really go back and make your action/descriptive text more elegant, and less amateur.  (Stuff like camera directions, talking to the reader about how you’re going to show the passage of time, music, etc.)

You can paint.  Now can you keep it on the canvas?

Brian

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Also, clarify that sentence.  Is it a small doll, or a dead toddler?  Be unambiguous, especially on page one.  You’re setting the tone for every page to come.  The wrong impression can miscolor the reader’s impression of your script and you may not get them back.

Daunting text blocks on page one.  See if you can pare down the amount of words you use for descriptions.

His face is serious and stern.

Let the scene you set paint the picture of what’s on those characters’ faces unless it’s absolutely important for us to know.

FEMALE

Name her.  Call her CAMERON’S DAUGHTER if you want, but name her.  Don’t worry about surprising the reader unless it’s a big reveal at the end which your script has earned over the course of it’s 3 acts. A reader needs to have absolute clarity at all times, or you’ll lose ‘em.

Page 3 and I’m still bogged down with descriptive text.

With a body you want to fuck and a mind you better not fuck with

99% of script readers just put your script down.  They read that and say to themselves: “Ah, okay.  The writer’s an amateur. I don’t need to finish reading this.”

Hate to sound pedantic, but writing isn’t about expressing your emotions at each and every turn, including within the action/descriptive text. 

Writing is about translating your emotions and ideas so that the audience can share in them. Keep your integrity and honest expressions and ideas and situations, but translate them.  And even then, don’t put horseshit like that in your descriptive text.

You’re writing this to get represented, or to make a sale, or to get produced, right?  Unless you’re writing this to put on your fridge and admire, respect your audience at all times, and that includes your first audience, the reader.

BREE or BRIANNA.  Pick one and stick with it.  Again with the reader clarity.

This isn’t a bad setup, but you need to get out of your own way.  Next pass you do, pare down the text to give us ONLY what’s needed, and keep the audience in mind while you’re doing it. 

Brian

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Good visual: ON A TV SCREEN so close it has no boundaries.

Ain’t no thing but a chicken wing seems a bit incongruent, after just reading that the president has been shot. Don’t let a reader feel anything incongruent, ever.  Especially on page one. 

By page 4, I get the tone.  Dark and comedic.  Might wanna bump that tone up so we understand what you’re going for faster.

“How does this affect our secret plans for later?” love it.  I’m in, but it’s page 5.  Can I be in on page 1?

I like it. It’s intelligent, jammed with science and science fiction, and moves along well.

But script readers with less sophisticated funny bones, and/or underdeveloped sci-fi glands, may hurl this across the room.  If you’re out to get this sold, or to get repped, you need to get it read by as many people as possible.  Don’t dumb it down, but you may want to take a strategic pass at the next draft to make sure words like “Paramecium” and “morphogenic protein” can’t be replaced with something more accessible.

I’m a big proponent of writing from the heart and fuck what other people think, but I’m also a huge proponent of writing strategically with the intention of getting the foot in the door, because once the foot’s in the door, it’s just text on a page, and that text can always be tweaked later.  Once they love the script, they’re not gonna shoot you in the face for changing shit back to “morphogenic protein.”  But on the other hand, if they put your script down because they see too many big sci-fi words, you’ll never get that meeting.

There’s screenwriting, and then there’s putting together a reader strategy.

Brian

200588110432763793-Justice_Jones_10_pages

These pages are smart, fast, and I know what the main character wants… by page 6.  “Can you get me back into baseball?”

Not only that, but by page 6, you’ve set up a love triangle, set up a friendship, showed how that love triangle blew to pieces, and showed the dedication of these two guys to their sport.

One minor note – don’t put (RAIN OUTSIDE) in the slugline.  Just add “It’s raining.” to the action line. Or “Rain.”

Another minor note – your character descriptions are too generic. They’re nice and brief, but perhaps too bland.

Deft. Good. Dialogue sounds real. The situations feel real; not forced.

If I’m at a production company, and we’re not looking for sports movies, I’m reading this one anyway.

Brian

f10p_Minors – first 12_2012-04-14

Another strategic note: Big blocks of text like this are intimidating to readers. 

Music starts playing. The curtains open and Maxwell steps up to the microphone. Behind him four FEMALE DANCERS in their early-twenties, dance across the stage in skin tight clothing. The crowd goes crazy. The performance is going smoothly until Maxwell rips his tee-shirt off, flexes his muscles and throws the torn shirt into the crowd. All hell breaks loose as a group of Teenage Girls begin to fight over the pieces of Maxwell’s shirt. Maxwell yells into the microphone.

Pare it down and break it up:

Music!

Curtains fly open and Maxwell steps up to the mic.

Four dancers dance in skin-tight costumes.

Maxwell rips his t-shirt off, flexes, hurls the fragments into the crowd.

Teen girls go crazy.

Ditch the header on each page “Order of the Court by L. Norton”

No need for (into phone) parantheticals once we establish these folks are talking to each other on the phone.

The gags are okay, but they need to be funnier.  The characters can be silly, but need to be more believable, otherwise we’re watching a Tom & Jerry cartoon.

Mostly, you need to yank your PRESENTATION out of the way.

Right now, HOW YOU PRESENT YOUR SCRIPT is being a ham, and jumping up and down in front of your characters and gags and story.

HOW YOU PRESENT YOUR SCRIPT is giving me, the reader, more food for thought than your screenplay is, because instead of being focused on the things that matter in your script, I’m asking myself questions like:

” Why did the author use ‘Afro-American’?  Aren’t some black folks offended by that? Isn’t that what misinformed white people call black people?”

“Man, that’s a huge block of non-stop text right there in the center of the page. I wonder why the writer didn’t break that up and make it easier to read.”

“Hmm.  Is it okay to spell “loophole” as two words, like “loop hole?”

“The writer must be very concerned about me knowing who wrote this script, and what the title of the script is, because they put it at the top of every page.”

I like the idea of a big rock star getting his comeuppance from all the babymamas he’s humped and dumped.  There is a good concept there.  Now I need your presentation to be unimpeachable.  That’s the biggest problem right now.

Totally fixable.

After that, make your characters more believable, make the gags funnier, and turn your concept on its head at some point with your plot, because 90 pages of rap star in court defending himself against babymamas is probably not sustainable.

Brian

f10p_first10_2012-04-14

Page 2, do a series of shots instead of a run-on paragraph

TEMPTING IMAGERY everywhere he looks:  SEXY THONGS as girls bend over, SUCCELENT LIPS as girls suck bananas, HARD NIPPLES, SENSUAL SWEAT, EXOTIC EYES, SEDUCTIVESMILES, TINY SKIRTS, HOT TATS, PIERCINGS.  He can’t escape!   Vinny darts around the corner and CRASH: 

TEMPTING IMAGERY everywhere he looks:

- A girl in sexy thong bends over

- A girl sucks a banana

- Nipples poke through a bikini top

He can’t escape!

Velcro not velcrow

Use more colorful descriptive text. The amount you’re using is good; nice and brief.  Now work on giving us more descriptive, colorful words that sum up your characters in a word or two, other than “medium build.”  (Sounds like a police lineup, or a dating site)

GRIZ (17, medium build, bearded)

GRIZ (17) – lanky with a beard

GRIZ (17) – bearded, Slayer t-shirt

GRIZ (17) – bearded and stoned

Lots of punctuation, usage, spelling errors throughout.  Take the time to make sure everything is spot-on, or you might as well not bother sending this sucker out to festivals, agents, producers – wherever.  Nobody can recommend a writer or a script full of typos.

High school screwball sex comedy works, but it’s one of those genres where you’ve got to be super-smart about the material.  Vinny and Trish are separated by Trish purposefully overblowing the freshman/boner incident just because the jocko stud asked her out.  So if this turns into a film where Vinny laments the loss of Trish, it’s gonna be super hard to root for Vinny, who’s pursuing such a pinhead.

And overall, if you can smarten up your characters, you can make this thing work a lot better.  What made American Pie work, or even Wet, Hot American Summer was that, yeah, there were a lot of cartoony characters, but there was also a lot of humor that came from being realistic, idiotic humans.

Brian

200275967791295720-Weekend_in_Havasu

Minor note: Introduce Ronald and Jean in CAPS.

Jean’s mother’s recipe not Jeans mothers recipe

Pick Ally or Allison and stick with it so the reader doesn’t get confused.

By page 10, you’ve painted a character solidly, and haven’t hit me over the head with anything that knocked me out of the story, but what I really need is for Ally to something remarkable, or noteworthy, or at least interesting, by page 10. 

Not all movies need to have an iron-clad formula, and yours seems like it’s definitely not going for the multiplex crowd. That’s okay; even great!

But I still need a reason, as a reader, to get me past page 10.  And while Ally is interesting, she’s not that interesting to me yet, by page 10. 

Maybe she gets SUPER INTERESTING on page 11, but that’s too late for me as a producer.  What happens in your current 10 pages is good exposition, but not good enough.

If you’ve got an interesting character reveal on page 11, put it on page 5 and squeeze down everything you’ve currently got on page 1 through 10 to make it fit.

Brian

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