Regarding all your exposition, see if you can let your exposition “walk and chew gum at the same time,” so to speak. That is, if a scene is only designed to provide exposition on X, see if you can make the scene do double duty, or triple duty, and provide exposition on Y and Z as well.
The script has texture and realism. Now it just needs presentability. There’s a good conflict being set up. I’m aboard. Honestly, I like the story so far. Now I want to trust the writer more though. The pages can’t be such a chore do digest. Fix the typos which means less typos, more professional presentation. Don’t give them an excuse to put it down.
OS is for OFF SCREEN. That’s what you have here. But even OS might be a bit confusing for us readers diving into your script and trying to orient ourselves. Strategically speaking, you may want to just write it all as one scene without starting on the panties/basement thing with the OS, just to get past readers.
Jimmy should know something’s wrong with his parents before the movie begins. Getting the information that they haven’t been around, and that the house is torn down comes way too late. The film can start off more tense if we see him anxious about getting home as fast as possible, but don’t quite know why until he reveals it to the old lady perhaps.
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