Regarding all your exposition, see if you can let your exposition “walk and chew gum at the same time,” so to speak. That is, if a scene is only designed to provide exposition on X, see if you can make the scene do double duty, or triple duty, and provide exposition on Y and Z as well.
The script has texture and realism. Now it just needs presentability. There’s a good conflict being set up. I’m aboard. Honestly, I like the story so far. Now I want to trust the writer more though. The pages can’t be such a chore do digest. Fix the typos which means less typos, more professional presentation. Don’t give them an excuse to put it down.
OS is for OFF SCREEN. That’s what you have here. But even OS might be a bit confusing for us readers diving into your script and trying to orient ourselves. Strategically speaking, you may want to just write it all as one scene without starting on the panties/basement thing with the OS, just to get past readers.
Pare down where you can, fix all the punctuation/spelling/usage errors, and then really go back and make your action/descriptive text more elegant, and less amateur. (Stuff like camera directions, talking to the reader about how you’re going to show the passage of time, music, etc.)
By page 10, I’m not feeling what’s at stake yet. We’ve got an angry, corrupt lawman and some thugs, and a white newly-minted Mayor in church with his family, a little kid who accidentally sees the lawman’s corruption, and his dad who fled the scene.
Jimmy should know something’s wrong with his parents before the movie begins. Getting the information that they haven’t been around, and that the house is torn down comes way too late. The film can start off more tense if we see him anxious about getting home as fast as possible, but don’t quite know why until he reveals it to the old lady perhaps.
If I’m a producer looking to churn out an AFM style straight-to-DVD picture, I love the talking because it’s cheap to do, but I’m not gonna be able to sell this finished film to anybody unless I can get some gunplay, fucking, fights, or explosions in there before page 10.
Nietzsche deserves the opportunity to rattle our cages, here, a century later. Harness the spirit of his life and intentions and his words to tell a good story; don’t get bogged down in the historical accuracy of his life.
I’m in good hands I can tell, because the writer uses the term “micro beer.” A minor thing for me to say, perhaps, but when I know the writer cares enough to use details like that, it tells me a lot about the character in one phrase: “He takes a pull of his micro beer.”
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